Some people are just naturals aren’t they. Give them a room full of strangers and they waltz around it looking confident, full of smiles and small talk, doing all of the right things. All of the people they talk to look happy and alert, look pleased to be there. Don’t you just envy them? They make it all look so easy, don’t they?
Most of us dread networking at formal business events. We hesitate to approach that complete stranger. What should we say? How shall we strike up a conversation? What shall we do when we run out of things to say? Oh, those embarrassing silences! You just know it’s going to be a complete disaster. And what happens? You walk hesitantly towards one of them and say something stunningly original like, ‘You found us OK then?’ They nod and then silence. Embarrassment on both sides, the guests wish they hadn’t come and can’t wait to leave! The whole point of the evening is destroyed. You end up giving completely the opposite impression to that which you intended.
But you cannot avoid doing these things just because they make you feel uncomfortable. They are part of modern business life. So accept that you are not the only one who finds these things uncomfortable and endeavour to do the best you can. You may never be the belle of the ball, but you can do a businesslike job and leave your guests feeling glad that they came.
Why else can these events seem awkward? Probably because we are forced into an unnatural situation. It’s not really social and it’s not really business either. We enter a kind of ‘no man’s land’.
So what’s the solution?
Have topics ready to start conversations. This is the bit a lot of people find difficult. What on earth are we going to say to these people? If you’re not naturally comfortable with small talk, why not observe someone who is. Listen to what they say you’ll see that there’s really no big secret. It really is fairly standard stuff. You’ll end up thinking, ‘Give me a stranger to talk to. I can do that!’
Practise memory techniques for names. It’s obviously not impressive if two minutes after you’ve been introduced to someone you forget their name. A nice technique is, when someone tells you their name, repeat it back to them. This helps cement it in your mind. Other memory techniques are a bit convoluted and involve imagining exaggerated connections between the name and the physical person. For example, if you are introduced to Mr Potter then imagine him with a flowerpot on his head.
Do not stay in groups with your colleagues or people you already know. You can talk to them at any time! This is the most common happening at events. We go back into our comfort zone. It’s OK to feel that this is what you want to do…it’s human nature…just don’t do it! It’s not what you’re there for. So straighten your bat, put your best foot forward, keep a stiff upper lip and leave your pals. Say, ‘I could be some time’ and go forth into the room small talk to the fore!
Approach guests with positive body language and a smile. Be confident. Introduce yourself. Offer a firm handshake and repeat their name. First impressions count. Don’t sidle up looking very humble and embarrassed to be there.
Look for open triangles. When two people are talking and they are getting on OK, they will tend to face each other. When there are three people in a group they will tend to look towards a central point, giving each other equal eye contact. So when you see a group of people where they are not square on to each other, it’s a sign that the conversation is sagging. People tend to point their bodies where they want to be. You may have experienced a situation where, although someone is looking at you, their body is pointing away…and this shows they want to finish the conversation. Their body points where their mind wants to go.
So, if you see a group where a guest is ‘pointing’ outwards, they have had enough of the group they are talking to and need rescuing.
Use your opening line. What are you going to say to start the conversation? Maybe some small talk to start the conversation…something about the weather…something about parking the car…traffic…and then maybe onto something more substantial. Maybe something about their company or their industry…something you have gleaned from the news.
OK, so there’s nothing earth shattering here. It’s just that as an effective networker you need to be prepared to start the conversation and keep it going and, if you are not naturally good at this, you need some conversation ‘up your sleeve’.
People’s favourite topic of conversation is themselves. They can talk about it forever. Apart from sleeping, you can divide people’s lives in two, home and work. Both are valid topics of conversation at events. Don’t probe too far into the home life. You don’t want to get into ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ conversations. But conversations about children, schools, holidays, gardening, Harry Potter…especially Harry Potter…are fine. Once you get someone talking about themselves, well, they’ll keep going and they’ll be happy. Keep the conversation going with open questions. Use phrases like, ‘Tell me more’, use those key words, ‘who, where, what, when, why, which and how’.
Make them feel important. Use flattery but don’t overdo it. Use probing questions like ‘that’s interesting, tell me more’ to show that you are interested in them.
Listen carefully. And we all know how difficult this is. How difficult it is to concentrate on a conversation, particularly if you don’t really want to be there. How easily you can be distracted with what is going on around you. But concentrate you have to. Make sure you are facing them, look at them. For proper communication, human beings need face to face contact. (How do you feel when you are face to face with someone and you are talking to them and they look over your shoulder? Your immediate reaction is that they have stopped listening to you.) So make sure that you keep looking at the guest, do it consciously. Also make sure you keep your body square on to them. Reposition yourself if you feel your body pointing away from the guest.
Use nods and ‘ums’ to show outward signs that you are listening. This simple physical involvement also helps your concentration.
Don’t just hear what they say, listen for the real message. Sometimes people have a hobbyhorse, something they care passionately about or something that irritates them. Make sure you spot it and don’t stifle the subject. If they care about it, the least you can do is listen.
Avoid the temptation to butt in with your own opinions and views. People prefer to talk than to listen. As the host, it’s your job to do the listening. Let the guests talk.
Use the social and business gaze appropriately. By this we mean look at the person’s face when they are talking to you. Short periods of eye contact are OK but not for too long. Eye contact for more than a second or two can be very disconcerting. When listening to someone you will instinctively watch their mouth. You’ll occasionally glance up at their eyes to check the truth of what they are saying.
Wherever possible, let the person you are talking to move the conversation from social to business. Don’t seem too pushy to get to a business agenda, remember people don’t like being sold to. Prompt only if you have to.
If someone butts in, introduce them. You have just been given an exit opportunity, assuming you want it.
By all means use humour. Laughter and fun create the most positive impressions but beware, don’t use it inappropriately and don’t overdo it. Take your cue from the guest. Remember, it is all about building relationships.
Remember that working a room isn’t like a purely social event. Guests do not expect you to stay with them all evening. Move on but don’t leave them alone. Put them into another group or introduce them to a colleague.
Bob Malloney, a soft skills trainer and coach for over 20 years, can help you to make a real difference to your working life, all from the comfort and convenience of your PC. Streaming video courses that replicate instructor-led training. Register now for a free, no obligation 7-day trial at >
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